My Crazy!!!

Does there ever come a point in your life where you really analyse just why it is we put ourselves through sheer hell to loose weight and then when you start getting somewhere you feel as though you are really getting nowhere.

It all started when My husband made a comment by mistake and was very unintentional about how a dress of mine that my mums making would be easily sold because there is no bigger costume dresses for "fat women" out there.

For some reason this made me feel like i hadn't achieved anything made me feel like i hadn't lost my 35plus kgs and made me feel like I hadn't gotten really anywhere on this journey i have been battling all my life.(size 18 not that bad really as opposed to my previous 26plus)

Never had i seen a man go that pale when he realised what had just come out of his mouth, there are few things I would leave him over and this is in the few things list!!! All my life i have been judged by my weight and all my life i have been fighting my weight, and finally I have got somewhere with the lapband finally after all the bloody pain and literally blood sweat and tears i'm starting to feel "normal" and not judged and then BANG!!! reality check from the person who has seen me at my rawest has seen the pain and has felt the tears.

It makes me sad to think that I have let my weight get to me all my life that i can sit here and be in denial about an Innocent comment made by the man i love, but for some reason my weight and has shaped my personality and its always been a part of me and always will no matter how much i loose. Anyone who REALLY knows me knows its always been touchy subject and one i have avoided, AND THAT.... my friends is the soul reason why i got that big!! no one was ever game enough to say something ..... not even myself!!!!

I layed in bed last night (husband on the couch,which after 13 years he had never ever spent there) and i wasn't thinking of the hurt or pain i was thinking of how I could just go get the biggest chocolate slab and devourer it right there and then...... (which i didnt go get)i just slept it off like a smoker who is trying to quit.... BUT don't start cheering for my willpower yet!!! cos as I sit here and eat my chocolate coated lolly filled ice cream that i know I wont get to finish because of the band I realise that the band cant stop that evil fat voice but it can stop you from being the devil and taking more then you need....

And yes some of you are thinking (hes not that bad, There are men out there who are intentionally nasty to their partners about there weight, me personally, if it upsets you then its not on, if its all good then fine, I just cant take it. Call me pretty much anything but don't call me fat!!! and I am..... I know..... I am.... but for some reason the truth hurts me sooooooooooooooooooo much its digs really deep and is

"my crazy".


Beena

New weight

My first pair of jeans

Well I decided the other day to go shopping and Im finding that Im buying things now because I just can not believe they fit. I tried on a pair of jeans the other day I havnt wore jeans since i was 10 years old, for me Ive been hiding behind long skirts and havnt even wore pants for about 15 years up until recently.

Yeaterday I bought my first pair of jeans in a very very long time. Well I guess my I BOUGHT my first pair ever since my mum would of bought them for me back then, and I cant stop wearing them. they are a size 18 which aint bad from a 26plus!!

Iam finding shopping really exciting now and Ive been able to swap clotheswith my younger sister which is nice. Even just being able to shop in the same stroes as her has been great. Ive had a few bits of cake over the weekend celebrating my boys birthdays so Iam back into it today focusing on food again.

to all the future dieters out there its alllllll worth it no matter what you do to loose it I feel better.

Beena

Weight Loss Tracker

Tough week

Well I got my fill last week up to fill number 5 and at 6.8mls. Got 1/4 ml added and found no real change but with no working out this week I have still managed to get down a little weight and now Im 97.9kg which feels great. Im 34.6kgs down! around another 23 to go to get to my goal weight of around 75kg. I managed to loose 3kg since Christmas so it was slow but thats ok as long as the scales are going the right way!. Ive spend most of the past week gathering things for all the bushfire victims and its been really hard to focus on myself when so much sadness is happening right around me. I will say this though Im proud to be Australian, the way my friends and family have helped me gather stuff in such short time for others and the way everyone has donated and the way the govenment has quickly got shelter food water, clothes, toys and relief to those needed is a privlidge to live in this country.

Back to the band! My tubing that has unstitched itself happened to be popping out when i went to see the doctor and he finally got to see what it was i was talking about. He can fix it but the thought of being reoperated on, makes me feel sick so i will learn to live with it for now.

My skirts are falling off and so i have decided not to buy zipper ones and only elastic ones so they can shrink with me. I can fit into a 14 ,16 and 18 but comfotabley.

My birthday is coming up and I have made a new small goal for myself and I have found it funny how goals have changed. I would be happy to loose another 5-10 before may but i will aim for 5kg. Now that life with the band has kicked in it doesnt feel like such a rush anymore to get all the weight off so fast. im giving myself 2 years to aim for goal, many will do it faster but for me Im happy to do it like this. i have been FAT ALL my life and so this is a lifestyle change that i have made and dont want to treat it as a restrictive diet like the past. if I want the chocolate I have the bloody chocolate and if that means i wont loose 500gms that week so be it... I know how my body works now and my mind and I find if i really deprive myself from things i end up depressed and down. Im not going to eat the entire block (and yes there are some I try but cant thanks to the band) but i feel contnet with my decision to take it slow.

Dont let anyone ever tell you that the band is the easyway out I have to really work my butt off im out at the gym and im walking and doing water aerobics all week most of the time, so i have earned the right to be 34kg less. The band has been a good tool but thats all it is. And like i said earlier as long as the scales are going down!!! I will keep doing what im doing happily.

Over the weekend we had 47 degree heat and i was at the beach I decided to do bungie tramopliening something I wouldnt of dared to attempt at 132.5kg for starters i wouldnt of fitted!!!! It was a great challenge and I realised how fit I have became in th past 7 months and was really proud of myself. I did nearly pass out from the sheer heat and had to have a sit down and a drink so its something I will try again on a cooler day. It was really nice to fit i the harness though!!!LOL

Having a grump!!

Ive been walking lately up and down hills and in this 40 degree heat that the lovely sun has to offer its been full on! Even at 7,30am this morning it was really hot. My light and easy plan really hasn't worked. I'm not wrapped in the lunches so far but I'm sure the dinners will be better which I will try tonight.

My husband is joining Jenny Craig again but he had real success last time and lost over 4okg so it works for him in the short term its just trying to keep it off that is the problem which is the same reason gt the band.

At the moment I'm a little annoyed with the whole "band thing" I need a fill but yet i was over filled last time so I'm not sure what the plan is next! I'm sick of getting fills because i was under the impression I would only really need a few and I'm up to fill number 6 or 7 and each time is $170.00. I makes me wonder what the doctor is doing.

The full feeling lasts for a few days then slowly over the month i end up feeling hungry again. My next fill is next week and I will be discussing this with my doctor.

The thing i is have recommended this doctor to others so i hope he does not let me down. He is a nice man and looked after me on the day but I think sometimes they forget that they go home to their families and we are now dealing with the band from a day to day basis and need that little extra support not all the time but sometimes and expect them to be there.


Anyway I will keep you posted as to how things pan out! I'm still 99. something!! and I'm really over it I just wish it will go to 98 very very soon!!! and then keep going down!

Beena

WEIGHt LOSS

Hmm for the comment below (ive been banded for 6months) so im way past the "first step" I just thought I would re-cap my very first blog on here!!

I have decided to do a few weeks of light and easy just to boost the weight loss.I know that the band is meanst to stop all diets for ever!!!! cos it is a lifestyle change, but A few calerie control meals should get the ball rolling again (just until my next fill) and once its starts it should keep going. My body has a way of stopping when I am on a roll as I have been for 6months (with a total loss of over 32.8kg ) and that was this mornings figures!! I cant complain.

My 30th is approaching and I would love to be at goal but i don't think its going to happen. So Im hoping to get off another 10kg by then which will bring me down to 89ish!! Which would be nice! Im eating a lot more then i want at the moment for those of you that have not been banded a day for me would be

MORNING GYM
Cereal (wheatbix 2 and lowfat milk
Lunch 4 cruskits with salad cheese and tuna
dinner a childsize plate of anything ive cooked (tonight was a roast pork with veg) the pork wasnt the easiest to chew so i didnt have a lot of it (probably for the best)
NIGHT WALK

Because of my sweet tooth I might later on get something small like a freddo just to keep my mind off it. LOL... hey my choice!!!

So far this kind of plan has helped me get the weight off so between now and the next fill It will be interesting to see where I get.

Beena

My very first blog way back in June 2008 !!! Wow how far I have come

About me
Hello all, I'm a 29 year old mother of two who has recently made a huge step to change my life. On the 7th of August 2008 Im going to get LAPBAND SURGERY.

Now I'm sure there are some people out there that will find this a completely drastic move and I can tell you i once too was in the same frame of mind. When I was in my 20's a and 105kg(231lbs) I was told by a doctor that I should go get this done and I remember running out of the room crying and very insulted.

I have somewhat been living in denial about my weight but at the same time its something I have struggled with for ever, even my mum would say that I was always in bigger clothes then all the other kids even in kinder garden.

My husband seems to think the world of me no matter what but my heart knows that Ive managed to let myself go even more into weight gain hell, I'm now 153cm and 132kg(291lbs) with a BMI of 56.....

There are no excuses here just plain old fashioned habits that I have not corrected over time. Its funny I don't really see myself as really unfit or huge but when i put it down on paper like this its shocking....

I have done every diet I can think of and have managed to loose 20kg(44lbs) here and there only to gain 30kg back each time. I spend the first half of the year dieting and the second half gaining it all back.....

I have decided to blog my progress for others who may want some input on this process, and for genuine readers who have no judgement on me or my decision. I applause those of you in the world who have had successful weight loss with out surgery but I'm at the end of my rope with this. The final decision to do this came when I found a book I had from 1999 from a main stream weight loss centre it charted my weight and my weight loss. It woke me up and just made me realise how long i have been fighting myself and my food habits without any form of real success.

I really don't know at this stage whether the lap band is going to be a positive or a negative change in my life but I'm willing to give it a try for me, my husband and my kids so they can see the person that I can really be once i gain confidence and health.

JAN 2009
Wow i look at this and hope that I have been able to reach out to those of you who are feeling the same way preband!! I'm 32 kg lighter and Ive gone from a size 26plus!!! to a 16 to 18! (still on the journey) but Never in a million years did I think that I would be able to get this far. I got to the point where I had excepted my life and my fate to be extra large for ever. It was who Iam and that was that!!! Im still big but not feeling out of place like I use to in the world, not worried I'm going to break a restaurant chair or that a little kid is going to ask why that lady is so fat. I'm not worried that in the train when there is one seat left the old lady would rather stand then sit next to me ( the fatty on the train) all this makes life worth living. I'm still 132.5kg in my mind sometimes and I order like a fat girl even with the band
(I guess old habits never die) but the band is the little angel on my shoulder that stops me from going overboard. That makes the final decision for me.... And that is exactly what a person like me needed I can only speak for myself. Everyones journeys are different and there has been times I have wished I never got this way so I didnt need the band, but facing reality has been the hardest and I guess we all live and learn.


Beena

Weight loss moving SLOWLY!!!

Yes the Christmas indulgence has finally stopped LOL!!! I have yet to go back to the gym... Aiming for Monday! Today I have found that without any fills I'm full fairly quick so its really great. Its up and down and I have been told that this can be the case with the band Some days are less restricted then others.

I still think I need just a Tadd more to be at the right range for me. I'm still under 100kg YAY!! but as to be expected without the gym weight loss has been slow, which is fine! I'm back on track now and this week has been a little better. I was going to go on some healthy choices for a few weeks just to get things moving along (not a diet)!!! just a few calorie controlled meals. Its happened to me in the past with my weight... It stops for months then re kicks in and I start again (usually with or without exercise).

The most thing I love about the band is i never feel like I'm on a diet ( Ive always been to stubborn for that. I can pretty much eat everything as long as I chew and it usually helps me to make the better choices. I would not choose say!!! a burger cos it takes for ever to eat and I would of usually had the whole half side of the pizza but 1 slice is enough.

Gosh to think what I use to eat compared to now and no wonder I reached the weight I did!! I could never really figure it out... but portion is everything and the saying "eating in moderatin is sooooooooooo bloddy true. It baffles me to think that you only need small helpings to suvive the rest is really an indugence a bonus in life our times really take for granted.( like I said I can pretty much eat everything just little bits of it) some are not as lucky.

I cant cheat and I don't feel guilty with the band (well I could cheat I guess) but what I mean is I'm not on a strict planned diet. I'm eating everything just not much.

So far I would have to say I wold not recommend it to a person that knows they can reach goal all on their own, and like all the books say I can see why it is the LAST resort!! for dieting ( like my husband who is thinking of doing it) I know he can do it on his own he has in the past!! Keeping it off is another challenge for him but my band should make his eating habits to control easier cos i wasn't a great help in the past the way I ate! He hates needles and has a low pain threshold (for the food getting stuck times)! If he wants to do it for sure I said "go for it, but make sure first".its up to him but I know him well enough to give him both perspectives.

What has happened to me recently.... HMMMMMM!!! well I did go to a store and grabbed the bigger size and the lady said "no you will need a smaller one... That was really nice and made me realise just how far I have came. I guess when you are with yourself all day you don't really realise how much different you look to others.

I bought s size 14 which was a nice feeling (one off of course) but i may of already mentioned that!! (was shocked it fitted)LOL!!!

What else.... ummmmm There is a rumor i got a tummy tuck which i find hilarious other then that I feel good. Ive had to buy new bras It seems that my boobs have shrunk!!! There is a lot here to spare so I'm not upset about that LOL!!! and i have noticed some skin on my arms well more loose flab and on my breasts which may become an issue if I get to goal which i will get fixed.. Other then that 2009 has started off slow, OH!!! I did go to the movies and fitted in the seat with space on either side that was great..

Anyway
For those of you that have just had the op hang in there the pain will soon go and the journey will soon start..

Best Wishes

Cheers
Beena

The new year

Not alot going on so far on the weight loss front. My band seems to need a refill so I'm not sure to expect because last time he filled it up 2 much so i don't wanna go there again.Yesterday when cleaning after breakfast I did a little vomit in my mouth (great news) I know and I am sure you all wanted to hear about that LOL!! but it was a "lap band" issue. i don't know why i ave never had that before and it was very strange. Anyway I haven't been going to the gym or really doing alot. Ive been eating bad over the Christmas break which for me is now over today. I now need to get focused and get my butt into gear so that I can get off this weight.

Beena

HAPPY NEW YEAR

It is a new year and lets all start it with goals that we can achieve!! Never did I ever think that coming into this new year I woulld be 32kg lighter.

2008

Lost 32kg have no idea where its gone and Im not going to go find it!!!

2009

Aim to get off 25kg plus

Lets do it!!

Beena

Hi Smiles and Skinnie minnie

Hi guys hope you had a great new year. As for the comment about learning the hard way.. I don't know it seems I never seem to learn!!! but I had the same episode after chewing 1 chip really well so I dont know if its the way my body reacts when i get due for my period (cos it seems to happen around then) or if its me not chewing rigth... I know for sure that the boxing day incident was my fault though!! and Ive been pretty careful since.

Em the Optifat is really important, go back on my blogs in July and you will see how upset I was about doing it all, hopefully it will help you get through it. Doing it over Christmas is an extra challenge so i can only imagine how much harder it is for you.. Take each day at a time and you will get through it. If you can do 4 full days by the 5Th day it should get a little easier and you wont feel the bubbly tummy and hunger much and drink stacks of water and keep yourself busy. These tips helped me get through it. I was trying to cook for my kids and it was soooooooo bloody hard I feel for you.. Do your best because it is important and helps you in the long run. It also is a great start to what life is like with the band! What i mean by that is there is certain things you cant have with the band and the same with optifast.

Smiles... you poor thing I'm glad it only lasted a few hours mine was all night. I have gone off track the past week and eating everything last night (new years eve). We had a bbq and I really was not hungry but ate anyway (not a lot) but I could of done without it. I have to be good and try hard this week the last thing I want to do is stretch the band and get another operation that would really suck. I guess there are days in our new banded life where things like this are going to happen. I have created habits over the past 29years that are not going to be broken over night so i don't plan to beat myself up over it and just live and learn and make better choices over the coming years. That's all i can do.

Good Luck Girls

Beena

Boxing day nightmare with the band

HMMMMMM There are very few days so far that I regret having the band, but I must say Boxing day I was beginning to wonder. I had a really awful episode about 2 hours after I ate where the pain runs thought my back and through my chest. It may of been foods stuck and i tried everything to dislodge it but no go!! Usually it lasts for a few hours but this bad pain went from 6pm to 4am and I did not get a wink of sleep. My tummy was really swollen and I could not lay on my back or tummy it was a nightmare. I think with all the Christmas excitement and conversation at lunch I forgot about the band and just ate like I usually would (how!!! well it can happen) once you are past the op and everything is healed and you haven't had an episode for a while It seems to creep up on you to remind you that you don't wanna be fat again and reminds you of just how you use to eat... You soon learn to take it easy.

Anyway I'm all good now and I am looking forward to the new year!

Beena

CHRISTMAS GOAL DONE

CHRISTMAS GOAL REACHED

I have finally made my Christmas goal Im in the double figures 99.6kg!!! I can not remember being under 100 and its been a L.O.N.G time !!!! I really dont know how Ive got there this week cos ive been eating not the best stuff. Yesterday i had red rooster... Of course it was a drumstick and about 6 chips so i guess the word moderation is the way to diet. The lapband has been great like that. I would of usually had a quater chicken and chips with gravy and eaten the whole thing plus a snack plus dinner plus 4 toast for breackfast plus more snacks and drinks during the day making the daily calerie and fat intake very high!!! I wouldnt excersise so hence my fatjiggly butt and thihs!! LOL

Anyway I did do a lot of excersise yesterday dragging bark in and out of the backyard so it paid off. 99.6KG CHRISTMAS GOAL REACHED NEW GOAL............

TO GET TO 89KG BY...........MARCH 2009!! BABY STEPS !!!

Chocolate..... my weakness!!!!

I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE chocolate and really have to stop eating large amounts of it. I have moments of silliness where I will just have it in front of the t.v!! I don't drink, don't smoke but mate!!!!! do I have a weakness for the good stuff !! chocolate!!! LOL!!
I guess there will always be a vise in every ones life whether they like it or not! At the moment the lap band has been great, but it does not make food choices for me all the time!!! (it does with a few things of course that I find hard to eat)!!! One thing you should know is that i do get to a point where i look at a menu and even though can eat chicken at the moment i choose the fish because it is easier to chew and sometimes I cant be bothered chewing for ages (I wish chocolate was hard to chew!!!) anyway Christmas is here and I still have to challenge myself to try to be good!!!!

Beena

Near 1st big goal!

My first big goal was to get to 100 or under by Christmas 2008! and I guess when you set goals you don't really know if its possible and having the band i still didn't know if it was going to work... I went into this not thinking it was going to be the overall solution to my long life problem but a start to fixing it and changing my habits by force but so far it has came pretty close to fixing it.

I jumped on the scales today after a grueling gym workout and low and behold the scales were undeceive as to whether i was 99.8kg or 100.2kgs but either way the fact that it was flashing is a great sign that I am near my Christmas goal which was to be under 100!!!

It will be a great feeling when the scales finally make up their mind but for now i will just wait.... I only have 7 days to reach the big 1st goal and I just hope i don't put it all on during Christmas celebrations. If I'm going on past history.... well lets just say Shit happens!! LOL i Will always be a fatty at heart!:)

beena

Trying to reach next goal!

Im at 100.5kg and Im trying to reach a reasonable goal of under 100 by Christmas a target that seemed very easy a few weeks back but at the moment I might just get to the 100kg which is still great from 132.5kg. Just to think that this time last year i was 32 kg heavier. I tried to pick that weight up at the gym with the weights and BOY it was much heavier then I thought!

Anyway off shopping today.

Beena

Hi Smiles

Hi Smiles!
to answer your questions! first of all I think my doctor gave me 1 ml because I was stating to him that there may be something wrong with the band as i have been eating a lot more and snacking a bunch during that month so he decided to give me 1 ml (so it was kind of my fault) Ive had 5 fills and my appointments are 4 weeks apart so I was getting a little impatient! LOL!

I did have the water in the clinic before i left and I also had my husband and 2 toddlers with me (which for this appointment could not of been helped) , all was fine in the car until we hit the freeway and I felt not well! We were stuck in traffic i had two kids crying because they were hungry and my husband was rushing back to work! (really bad circumstances) and as a mother I forget about myself sometimes and worry about my 3 boys (hubby included) more then me!!!! Looking back I should of turned back and got him to take out the fill but in my defence i had never been "over filled" before so I was not sure if the feeling I was getting was normal or not!! and was kind of hoping it would pass!!

My doctor is a very caring guy he seems to really care for his patients so I was very surprised when he wasn't there to help me over the weekend! (don't know if he was really inter sate or just couldn't get there), but either way I'm fine now...

Good luck with Optifast it is really worth doing I hated it and if you look back on my blogs there is probably some angry optifast moments where i had enough.... but on the day of my opperation my doctor said that there was no fatty liver and that he even put a smaller band in because I must of did a great job on the optifast for the month! so Im really glad I stuck to it the best I could. There were a few stuff ups but Im only human and they were not bad ones usually a grilled fish. I just did the best I could, after all I have an eating problem and asking someone like me to stop eating and drink yucky stuff for a month was a big ask LOL!!!


Its a hurdle Ive jumped! and yes!! TRACY it is such a learning curve isn't it!!
but a path Worth taking...

Cheers

Beena