My Crazy!!!

Does there ever come a point in your life where you really analyse just why it is we put ourselves through sheer hell to loose weight and then when you start getting somewhere you feel as though you are really getting nowhere.

It all started when My husband made a comment by mistake and was very unintentional about how a dress of mine that my mums making would be easily sold because there is no bigger costume dresses for "fat women" out there.

For some reason this made me feel like i hadn't achieved anything made me feel like i hadn't lost my 35plus kgs and made me feel like I hadn't gotten really anywhere on this journey i have been battling all my life.(size 18 not that bad really as opposed to my previous 26plus)

Never had i seen a man go that pale when he realised what had just come out of his mouth, there are few things I would leave him over and this is in the few things list!!! All my life i have been judged by my weight and all my life i have been fighting my weight, and finally I have got somewhere with the lapband finally after all the bloody pain and literally blood sweat and tears i'm starting to feel "normal" and not judged and then BANG!!! reality check from the person who has seen me at my rawest has seen the pain and has felt the tears.

It makes me sad to think that I have let my weight get to me all my life that i can sit here and be in denial about an Innocent comment made by the man i love, but for some reason my weight and has shaped my personality and its always been a part of me and always will no matter how much i loose. Anyone who REALLY knows me knows its always been touchy subject and one i have avoided, AND THAT.... my friends is the soul reason why i got that big!! no one was ever game enough to say something ..... not even myself!!!!

I layed in bed last night (husband on the couch,which after 13 years he had never ever spent there) and i wasn't thinking of the hurt or pain i was thinking of how I could just go get the biggest chocolate slab and devourer it right there and then...... (which i didnt go get)i just slept it off like a smoker who is trying to quit.... BUT don't start cheering for my willpower yet!!! cos as I sit here and eat my chocolate coated lolly filled ice cream that i know I wont get to finish because of the band I realise that the band cant stop that evil fat voice but it can stop you from being the devil and taking more then you need....

And yes some of you are thinking (hes not that bad, There are men out there who are intentionally nasty to their partners about there weight, me personally, if it upsets you then its not on, if its all good then fine, I just cant take it. Call me pretty much anything but don't call me fat!!! and I am..... I know..... I am.... but for some reason the truth hurts me sooooooooooooooooooo much its digs really deep and is

"my crazy".


Beena

New weight

My first pair of jeans

Well I decided the other day to go shopping and Im finding that Im buying things now because I just can not believe they fit. I tried on a pair of jeans the other day I havnt wore jeans since i was 10 years old, for me Ive been hiding behind long skirts and havnt even wore pants for about 15 years up until recently.

Yeaterday I bought my first pair of jeans in a very very long time. Well I guess my I BOUGHT my first pair ever since my mum would of bought them for me back then, and I cant stop wearing them. they are a size 18 which aint bad from a 26plus!!

Iam finding shopping really exciting now and Ive been able to swap clotheswith my younger sister which is nice. Even just being able to shop in the same stroes as her has been great. Ive had a few bits of cake over the weekend celebrating my boys birthdays so Iam back into it today focusing on food again.

to all the future dieters out there its alllllll worth it no matter what you do to loose it I feel better.

Beena

Weight Loss Tracker

Tough week

Well I got my fill last week up to fill number 5 and at 6.8mls. Got 1/4 ml added and found no real change but with no working out this week I have still managed to get down a little weight and now Im 97.9kg which feels great. Im 34.6kgs down! around another 23 to go to get to my goal weight of around 75kg. I managed to loose 3kg since Christmas so it was slow but thats ok as long as the scales are going the right way!. Ive spend most of the past week gathering things for all the bushfire victims and its been really hard to focus on myself when so much sadness is happening right around me. I will say this though Im proud to be Australian, the way my friends and family have helped me gather stuff in such short time for others and the way everyone has donated and the way the govenment has quickly got shelter food water, clothes, toys and relief to those needed is a privlidge to live in this country.

Back to the band! My tubing that has unstitched itself happened to be popping out when i went to see the doctor and he finally got to see what it was i was talking about. He can fix it but the thought of being reoperated on, makes me feel sick so i will learn to live with it for now.

My skirts are falling off and so i have decided not to buy zipper ones and only elastic ones so they can shrink with me. I can fit into a 14 ,16 and 18 but comfotabley.

My birthday is coming up and I have made a new small goal for myself and I have found it funny how goals have changed. I would be happy to loose another 5-10 before may but i will aim for 5kg. Now that life with the band has kicked in it doesnt feel like such a rush anymore to get all the weight off so fast. im giving myself 2 years to aim for goal, many will do it faster but for me Im happy to do it like this. i have been FAT ALL my life and so this is a lifestyle change that i have made and dont want to treat it as a restrictive diet like the past. if I want the chocolate I have the bloody chocolate and if that means i wont loose 500gms that week so be it... I know how my body works now and my mind and I find if i really deprive myself from things i end up depressed and down. Im not going to eat the entire block (and yes there are some I try but cant thanks to the band) but i feel contnet with my decision to take it slow.

Dont let anyone ever tell you that the band is the easyway out I have to really work my butt off im out at the gym and im walking and doing water aerobics all week most of the time, so i have earned the right to be 34kg less. The band has been a good tool but thats all it is. And like i said earlier as long as the scales are going down!!! I will keep doing what im doing happily.

Over the weekend we had 47 degree heat and i was at the beach I decided to do bungie tramopliening something I wouldnt of dared to attempt at 132.5kg for starters i wouldnt of fitted!!!! It was a great challenge and I realised how fit I have became in th past 7 months and was really proud of myself. I did nearly pass out from the sheer heat and had to have a sit down and a drink so its something I will try again on a cooler day. It was really nice to fit i the harness though!!!LOL