My Crazy!!!

Does there ever come a point in your life where you really analyse just why it is we put ourselves through sheer hell to loose weight and then when you start getting somewhere you feel as though you are really getting nowhere.

It all started when My husband made a comment by mistake and was very unintentional about how a dress of mine that my mums making would be easily sold because there is no bigger costume dresses for "fat women" out there.

For some reason this made me feel like i hadn't achieved anything made me feel like i hadn't lost my 35plus kgs and made me feel like I hadn't gotten really anywhere on this journey i have been battling all my life.(size 18 not that bad really as opposed to my previous 26plus)

Never had i seen a man go that pale when he realised what had just come out of his mouth, there are few things I would leave him over and this is in the few things list!!! All my life i have been judged by my weight and all my life i have been fighting my weight, and finally I have got somewhere with the lapband finally after all the bloody pain and literally blood sweat and tears i'm starting to feel "normal" and not judged and then BANG!!! reality check from the person who has seen me at my rawest has seen the pain and has felt the tears.

It makes me sad to think that I have let my weight get to me all my life that i can sit here and be in denial about an Innocent comment made by the man i love, but for some reason my weight and has shaped my personality and its always been a part of me and always will no matter how much i loose. Anyone who REALLY knows me knows its always been touchy subject and one i have avoided, AND THAT.... my friends is the soul reason why i got that big!! no one was ever game enough to say something ..... not even myself!!!!

I layed in bed last night (husband on the couch,which after 13 years he had never ever spent there) and i wasn't thinking of the hurt or pain i was thinking of how I could just go get the biggest chocolate slab and devourer it right there and then...... (which i didnt go get)i just slept it off like a smoker who is trying to quit.... BUT don't start cheering for my willpower yet!!! cos as I sit here and eat my chocolate coated lolly filled ice cream that i know I wont get to finish because of the band I realise that the band cant stop that evil fat voice but it can stop you from being the devil and taking more then you need....

And yes some of you are thinking (hes not that bad, There are men out there who are intentionally nasty to their partners about there weight, me personally, if it upsets you then its not on, if its all good then fine, I just cant take it. Call me pretty much anything but don't call me fat!!! and I am..... I know..... I am.... but for some reason the truth hurts me sooooooooooooooooooo much its digs really deep and is

"my crazy".


Beena